My blood family is by no means bad.
My blood family is by no means bad. While I recognize now it lacked a lot in many ways, ultimately I had a very privileged upbringing. But the older I get, the more distance I find myself wanting. I love them, but it's like we have nothing in common. I keep fantasizing about chose family. Warmth and laughter and people who genuinely like being in one another's company. People who care and are passionate about some of the same things I am. And in none of these fantasies do any of my blood family members appear. I feel so guilty. I don't dream of holidays with them. I actually avoid them at all costs. I know they mean well and I know some of them really want to be part of my world and the life I've worked so hard to create for myself. I want to want that. I want to want them around. But I don't, and I feel a little like a monster.